do what you love.

today i ran for the first time in a bazillion years. or, almost two years.
it was...well, i'm alive. and that's about it.

i lost my garmin watch in the move, so i'm not sure on the exact distance...a little over a mile, i think. and the old me, the me who ran a freaking marathon, is dying laughing that my run today was ONE MILE. and the me now is about to punch the old me in the FACE. because that mile? it was huge. a huge, gigantic mile for me.

i didn't run the entire thing. i set little goals, run to the end of the street, run to that mailbox, etc. and then i would make it there, walk for a bit, then set off again.

ruth did great. i think she really liked going fast. and i use the word "fast" sort of free and loose, it's not like i was really hoofing it out there. in the top of the stroller canopy is a little window and she kept looking up at me through it and smiling and babbling away. it was nice entertainment to distract me from the burning in my lungs.

i wanted to do two loops but thought i better take it slow, right out of the gate. i want to be able to run again tomorrow, much less retain the ability to walk.

but mostly i'm just so glad i got out there and ran. you see, this is what i want to teach ruth. that she can do anything. that just because she's a little girl it doesn't mean she is expected to take dance lessons and be a cheerleader and that's it. no, not at all. i want her to grow up seeing her mama get out there everyday and sweat, work hard, push her body and achieve her running goals.

sure, if she comes to me someday and says she wants to take dance or be a cheerleader then i will encourage her. yes, i might try and talk her out of it or even bribe her not to, but if it's what she really wants then okay. but i want her to know that her horizons are much greater than that. she can be a runner, a hunter, a fisherman, a gardener. she can learn archery or rowing. she can do anything and it does not matter if she's the only girl she knows that does it. do it anyways.

my dad taught me to shoot a gun at 9 years old. and if you aren't from the south or midwest that little fact right there might freak you out. but my dad is an incredible teacher and a superb marksman. he won a marksman award in the army. the man can shoot and shoot well. he taught me how to safely take care of the gun and how to fire it safely. and of course i never handled it alone, ever. good grief, i was a child. but i grew up around guns, therefore i learned to respect them and not to fear them. he has taught my sister and i to shoot every kind of gun under the sun. and we love it.

when i was 13, i saw a commercial about hunting and decided right then and there i wanted to go deer hunting. i remember marching up to my dad and declaring that i wanted to learn to deer hunt. he had never been deer hunting, FYI. and i remember he looked me dead in the eye and said, "okay." and that was it. never questioned it, never laughed or said girls don't do that. just, okay. a few months later we took a hunter's safety course and that fall went hunting. the following year i shot my first deer. this fall will be our 18th year to hunt together, minus the 2 years i was in africa.

my point is this: i grew up being taught i could do anything, even taking on a man dominated past-time like hunting. my parents always supported my dreams, no matter how big or crazy they are. and that is the legacy mr. darling and i want to pass down to ruth. you can be anything, do anything you want. and if someone says you cannot because you are a girl, they are a fool and a liar.

i want to pass that legacy down to ruth, not just in my words, but in my actions as well. that's why today was so important to me. to put her in that stroller, tie on my running shoes and get out there. sweat in my eyes, my lungs burning. doing what i love and allowing my daughter to see me doing it.

she already has her mama's fashion sense.

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holiday weekend brain dump.

- we celebrated ruth's birthday the past few days. on her actual birthday the three of us went to the zoo and played in the sprinkler. it was a lovely, hot day. throughout the day we would look at ruth and shake our heads at how fast the year went...mind-blowing fast.

yesterday we had a family party at my parents'. it was perfect, exactly what i dreamed it would be. we aren't party people and i just wanted some small and relaxed. we opened presents, cooked out, ruth ate homemade ice cream for the first time, we played outside and enjoyed the day. i'm so thankful for my parents and sister throwing us such a wonderful celebration.

swinging at her birthday party.

- today was church and i kept nursery. normally ruth stays with us during the church service. she's pretty good and when she gets restless i stand at the back of the sanctuary doing the "mom dance". you know, that involuntary sway/rocking motion that generally soothes them into being relatively quiet.

confession: the nursery makes me nervous. there is a group of ladies who rotate nursery duty, and while very nice, they aren't always super attentive. except for the director, but she sort of roams between the two nurseries. so, not very attentive and there have been a handful of times that ruth has almost been hurt but i was in there to stop it. and they hand out weird snacks, like hard, chewy fruit snacks to little babies, even ruth. they could totally choke. it just makes me very unsettled. so, unless i have nursery duty we keep her with us.

also, i just like having her in church with us. i think it's important for kids to worship with their families. at our church the nursery age limit is 4. and at many churches i know they even have kids church, separate from the adults. and i just don't agree with it...i think kids need to learn to sit still and worship with the entire body of believers. i think a lot of this stems from my time in africa and the summer before in virginia. we had house church, complete with entire families, little ones included. and overseas there is no nursery...babies rest in their mama's arms, little kids sit on the pew next to you. it just seems normal and natural to me. and my parents had my sister and i in "big church" with them from a very young age as well. anyways, off my soapbox.

so...i had nursery. and afterwards, as we are leaving, the preacher talks to us about going out to eat on wednesday, which mr. darling had already agreed to. and i said i wasn't sure because i had a hair appointment out of town late that afternoon and he said, "well, can't you change it?" um, HAS HE NEVER MET A WOMAN? changing a hair appointment is just crazy talk. but we'll see. then mr. darling tells me, after our new member class next sunday, he invited some friends of ours to go out to eat. and i start laughing because at that point ruth will have been up for 6 hours without a nap and everyone within a 20 mile radius will lose their hearing. MEN. do you see what happens when he's left to his own devices for ONE CHURCH SERVICE?

she was so excited she could barely stand it.

- my parents and sister gave ruth a jogging stroller for her birthday. so at some point this week we are taking it out for the very first time. i will report back with the gruesome details, seeing as i have not ran in over 1.5 years. with the exception of one train-wreck of an afternoon, about 6 weeks after ruth was born, when i got on the treadmill. look, maybe it's just me, but 6 weeks is not a sufficient amount of time to get back on the running train after growing and giving birth to a HUMAN BEING. it was not pretty. my boobs were engorged, my belly was jiggly and bouncing around, and i spent the entire time trying not to pee myself. NOT PRETTY AT ALL. so, fingers crossed this time will be much better.

ruth and the puppies. 

- i'm not really sure what to follow after that unforgettable mental image i just painted for you so let's just leave it at that, shall we? hoping you have a wonderful memorial day.

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my birthday girl.

dear ruth dahlia,

it's a few minutes after midnight. may 24th has arrived.
today you turn one year old.

this has, hands down, been the fastest year of my life. i often hear the saying, "the days are long but the years are short." and while i understand the sentiment, it's not true for me. the days are short, too. they seem to fly by so quickly my head spins. and sometimes, after you have gone to bed, i sit down and choke back tears because it's all going so quickly. you're growing so fast, changing every single day. it seems each day you learn something new, your personality explodes more and more. and while these are amazing, wonderful things that i never want to stop...it's also a little sad for me, because you aren't my tiny baby anymore.



















and sometimes, just for a moment, i want to stop the clock from ticking forward. just for a little bit. but it doesn't work like that, does it? so, instead, i pull you close a little longer. i steal an extra kiss when i lay you down for your nap. i snuggle you a little longer, breathing in your sweet baby smell a little deeper. begging for God to seer these memories into my heart and mind for all of eternity. because these memories? they are the sweetest in the world.

there are a hundred things i pray for you, ruth. and at the top of that list is for your salvation. for God to anoint your life. and as you grow older for you to understand, with wisdom beyond your young years, how important it is to love our Lord with all your heart, soul and mind. to live a life that brings Him glory, above all else. to do what is right and good, to love others deeply and to serve others in His name. to be thankful. to preach His gospel, proclaim His truth.

and i pray, when you look at your daddy and i, and our lives, you will see Christ reflected. you will see us glorifying Him.

you are an absolute delight. you make us laugh every single day. your birth changed everything. you changed our day to day life, our hearts and minds, our focus and priorities. and you changed it all for the better. a thousand times over.


and your arrival has caused us to cling to God as we lean on Him for wisdom, protection, guidance and strength. your life has filled us with praise to Him because, oh honey, you are the greatest thing in the world. i look at you and i see the goodness of our Lord.

you, sweet girl, have made us a family.

happy birthday, ruth.

i love you to the moon and back.

love,
mama

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milestones in a possum's life.

dear ruth,

one week from today you turn one year old. ONE. later i want to tell you about this year, about what your life has done to us, how we have changed. but today i want to write this to you to tell you what you're up to right now. and so, one day, when i am old and gray, i can look back and smile as i fondly remember this time in our life.

you are taking great naps right now. two a day, around 1.5 to 2 hours a piece. i'm so proud of you about this, your naps used to be over in the blink of an eye.

you, my sweet girl, are the worst night-time sleeper. of course, i say that and tonight you'll probably just show me what bad is! you get up, on average, every 2 hours from midnight-ish on. you go to bed at 8pm and usually get up around 8am. but i am very thankful that you are quite easy to put back to sleep. you are usually back down in your crib after 15 minutes.

and just between you, me and the fence post...i don't mind your night sleep habits. not at all. one day, far too soon, you'll be sleeping through the night. you won't wake crying for me. you won't need me in the middle of the night. and right now i cherish those quiet moments, just you and i cuddling together, while the rest of the world sleeps. your warm body curled against mine, your soft head, smelling so sweet, nestled into the crook of my neck. and that's why i haven't bothered to have you cry it out and learn to sleep all night. you'll figure it out when you're ready. and until then i'll be right here, holding you close under the full moon.

you eat two meals a day, lunch and supper. breakfast doesn't interest you yet. there is far too much to play with in the mornings for you to bother with eating! your favorite foods are peas, green beans, baked potatoes and bananas. the only food you don't care too much for is avocado. you eat like a bird most days.

you are still nursing around 5 times during the day and quite a few times at night. neither of us are in a hurry to stop breastfeeding and i'm not going to force it upon us. so, extended breastfeeding...here we come.

ruth, you LOVE to be outside. it's your most favorite thing ever. you adore to dig in the dirt and play in the grass and flowers. most of the time you throw a fit when it's time to go inside. other favorites: sucking your thumb, sleeping with your stuffed pig, standing up and climbing (learned this week), clapping and saying "yay!" (learned this month), biting people's toes, praise baby, "helping" unload the dishwasher, playing with allie, bath time, riding in your carrier while we help paw-paw garden, and wrestling with daddy.

everything you find goes in your mouth, including bugs.

your vocabulary: mama, dada and dad, paw-paw, yay, and no (while you shake your head).

your nicknames: possum (given by your paw-paw because you crawl fast like one), tooter, toots, tootie, sugar bear, and baby coyote (because of the way you howl when you whine) and booger bear.

sweet girl, your personality has exploded this past month. it seems that you learn something new every day. you are stubborn, independent, ornery, and so funny. i never thought a baby could be funny, but you really are. i cannot wrap my mind around how much you have grown and changed in one year. you went from a tiny helpless baby to this little person, talking, on the verge of walking. you have opinions and preferences and it blows my mind.

to say that your daddy and i love you, ruth, is a ridiculous understatement. it falls a million miles short. we adore you. our hearts explode with love for you.

love,
mama

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all around the mulberry bush.

- yesterday was baby dedication sunday at our church. so, mr. darling and i stood up in front of everyone with ruth and dedicated her to the Lord. promising to raise her to love and fear the Lord. it was a great day. my fam came up for church and we spent the afternoon together.

sidenote regarding the above photo: first of all, i have a farmer's tan. second of all, i need to learn the sorority girl arm pop so as to avoid the above pictured hay-hauler arms. and c of all, maxi dresses and wind are not your friend. i look like i'm wearing a tent. and ruth is eating a leaf.

mother's day 2012.

- ruth has learned to climb. like, legitimately climb on stuff.
see: below.

today she climbed up on the bottom ledge of the table (like above) and sat there looking around laughing, clearly very proud of herself. and the entire time she sat there saying "dad" over and over. it was so stinking adorable. she can now say three words: mama, dad (or dada...depends on the day) and paw-paw (my dad).

- i bought new sunglasses. i'm cheap and refuse to only buy them at forever 21, where i can get them for less than $6 a pair. i have a bad track record of losing them or getting mad and breaking them. clearly, i have some bad habits i need to work on.

new sunglasses. just call me maverick.

- the other morning someone knocked on the door. now, call me paranoid (and i am) but i never answer the door when i'm home alone unless i know the person. never. not even if it looks like a repairman or whatever. i've read too many horrifying news stories, watched too much news and law & order episodes. i just don't do it.

so, someone knocked on the door. i peeked through the peephole and it was a jehovah's witness. i just chuckled and then we went into stealth mode. read: mute the tv, shush the dog and wait for the person to leave. except neither allie or ruth understand what stealth mode is. so allie takes off to the door and sits there pawing at it and whining. and ruth follows her because she pretty much follows allie anywhere. and ruth gets excited because allie is excited and she starts squealing and "talking" super loud.

yeah, pretty sure the jehovah's witness knew what was up.

stealth mode: FAIL.

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eleven months.

dear ruth,

today you turn eleven months old. and let's just ignore the fact that's one month shy of a year. because, honey, i'm not ready to deal with that fact yet.

you, ruth, are a delight.

playing in the yard.

whenever anyone spends any amount of time with you they almost always shake their head in disbelief and talk about how absolutely busy you are. and i laugh. because, oh, if they only knew. you never ever slow down. if you are awake you are on the go. chasing the dog, reading books, playing in the dog's water bowl, digging shoes out of the shoe basket, crawling as fast as you can to find something to get into. it's hilarious to watch. and exhausting to referee.

the only time you slow down is when you are tired. you will crawl over to me, lay your head in my lap, suck your thumb for a minute, and then you're off again.

you eat two solid meals a day of soft table food. you love most everything i offer you...your favorites are baked potato, banana and broccoli. breakfast doesn't interest you yet. you still nurse around 5-6 times a day and around 3-4 times a night.

no, you still don't sleep through the night yet. but it's alright, there's no rush. because, sweet girl, those middle of the night moments are some of my favorites. lately you've been up quite a bit in the night teething. i keep waiting for the day your top teeth will break through.

you will occasionally pull up onto your feet but it doesn't interest you much yet. i have found, when it comes to milestones in your young life, you will do it when you are good and ready. and not a moment sooner. and that's just fine. take your time, baby, there's no hurry to grow up.

currently...
weight: 22-23 lbs. it freaked me out when you stopped gaining 3 pounds a month. i was convinced you would be a 30 pound one year old. but sure enough, just like the doctor predicted, your weight gain has slowed down. even so, you can nearly make a grown man cry in pain after holding you for 15 minutes. you are one sturdy baby.

diapers: size 4 during the day and 5 at night.

clothes: 18 months.

shoes: barely a 2. you have the tiniest feet in the entire WORLD. and daily i have to refrain myself from gobbling them up.

going to church.

you do this thing, when you're crawling, and you get really excited and want to go fast...you bob your head from side to side. as if trying to gain momentum. and you start squealing. it's so dang funny. sometimes i chase you just to see you do it.

there isn't too much you dislike or are afraid of right now. you get afraid when you crawl under the kitchen table bench. i'm not entirely sure why, once you bumped your head on it so i guess you must have some lingering fear that will always happen. you aren't too fond of men with beards. and you HATE, with the fiery passion of a thousand suns, anyone pulling foreign objects out of your mouth. unfortunately for you, this happens multiple times daily. every single thing you find you put in your mouth. i vacuum the house every other day and yet you still find random crap. i'm convinced you have some internal radar. so far the worst thing was when you put a bug in your mouth. oh man, still gives me the willies. and you were MAD i took that bug from you.

the list of things you love is so long. you LOVE dogs. you absolutely lose your mind with glee when stoney comes over and he and allie play. you get right down there in the middle of them, chasing them and laughing. you love meal times, bath times and when daddy comes home after work. you love our family walks in the evening and playing outside. lately, in the mornings after you nurse, you like to snuggle in my nap, playing with your pic and giving me kisses (those moments absolutely melt me). your new favorite trick is, while playing in the floor with your dad, you pull his shirt down (or up) and grab fistfuls of his chest hair and yank with all your might. and then you laugh, actually laugh, at his reaction. it is hysterical to watch.

at the zoo.

i am overwhelmed with gratitude that God has given me this blessing of being your mama. loving you and caring for you is the greatest thing in all of the world. the absolute greatest.

i love you, sweet girl.
forever.

love,
mama

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remember when i used to have pride?

a little tidbit no one tells you when you get pregnant is that all of you gets pregnant. not just your belly. meaning: your entire body grows. it's just so lovely. and magical.

so, around my sixth month i had to go out and buy new underwear. i needed something larger. and more comfy. so, there i am in target...standing in front of the wall of bulk underwear. and i pick up a five pack of hanes, hipster style. because the hipster style makes it better and glosses over the fact i just purchased underwear two sizes larger than my normal size.

oh, that was a humbling moment in my the span of my life thus far.

here's my little secret. i like to wear those underwear at night to bed. yes. my maternity underwear. i still wear them. despite the fact i have lost all 50ish pounds of pregnancy weight. so basically i wear these awful underwear that are way too big. and why? because they are so freaking comfortable i cannot even stand it.

i suppose right here is where i should tell you how ashamed i am. and how i promise to burn them at first light tomorrow.

but who am i kidding.
comfort comes first in my world.

bring on the maternity briefs.

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